Out of the ashes

Nearly eight years ago I made the decision to leave a career that was never truly meant for me. After ten years I knew it wasn’t who I was or what I was meant to be doing. It didn’t feed my soul or bring me joy so I took a huge leap of faith and just left it behind. All of my life I’ve been an artist at heart and it is what feeds, calms and ignites my soul. Its easy to say “I want to change my career” mid way through life but starting from scratch and actually making it happen is a whole other thing.  I set up a studio in our garage and I was off to the races. I painted and painted and painted to my hearts content. There was only one problem. I needed to replace the income I had abandoned! After ten years in a career I loathed my head was stifled creatively and I felt like I’d lost that magic and whimsy that was once part of me. I truly didn’t know how to get it back but I knew it was imperative in order to move forward. I made the decision to go on a sort of walk about, head into the wilderness alone to find myself, really find myself and hit the reset button. Everyone seemed completely mortified at the idea of me, a wife, a mother, a woman just heading off thirteen hours away from home into the wilderness but I planned and packed and put our dog Scout in the car and off we went. It was the scariest and bravest thing I’d ever done. Upon arriving I set up my camp, yep I was all in! I camped in the canyons of Caprock Canyon State Park. The beautiful part of this journey were the strangers I met. Each seemed perfectly placed like angels to help me along each leg of my journey.

However, I soon discovered the most amazing part of this journey were the bison I quickly encountered. Caprock Canyon State Park is home to the Official Texas State Bison Herd and they were beautiful, powerful, majestic and they came right into my camp! Throughout my stay I would pull a wagon with the assistance of my dog Scout up to a scenic overlook and I would paint on a huge canvas I’d brought. It was free and magical and not without its challenges. I watched sunsets over the canyons and I wrote down thoughts I didn’t know I had anymore. I watched birds and deer and occasionally talked to strangers who were kind and supportive. I saw so many bison and discovered they consisted of four herds each taking their own path each day when the sun rose and each returning to a central location each evening as the sun set. I saw plenty of cows and calves and young male bison but as I neared the end of my adventure I hadn’t seen a large male bison and I really wanted to! I asked a ranger one day if he had spotted one and he said that yes, in fact a large male bison had been spotted deep in the canyons. I lost my courage or maybe used my head and decided I wouldn’t be hiking with Scout deep into the canyons to find a large male bison alone. My adventure was slowly coming to an end. I felt peaceful, accomplished, free and brave. However, knowingly or maybe unknowingly I hadn’t experience “that moment”. You know, that moment when you feel like you’ve come out the other side and you can see clearly where you’re going.  The morning I was packing up and preparing for the long drive home it was still, quiet and there was a low fog on the ground. As I was disassembling my tent I saw Scout become very still out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see the largest male bison I’d ever seen in my life standing by my car. He stood there majestic and beautiful. He was strong and proud and he just stared at me. I just stared at him. We just stared at each other. Then, he slowly walked away into the fog. I’ve never been the same. Since that day I paint bison. I paint plenty of other subject matter that catches my eye or has some sort of meaning to me but the bison will always be my muse, my spirit animal.

On December 20, 2022, just a week ago, my art studio in Houston was bombed by an arsonist. You see, I came home from that encounter with the bison and I made a career in art and after many years of building, working, struggling, celebrating, growing, learning, it lead me to my dream studio. An arsonist bombed the studio next to me and it destroyed my studio. I received a text with a photo of my studio and flames asking me if I knew that my studio was on fire. When I arrived at my studio firefighters and arson investigators were on my deck, water hoses everywhere, my door cut open and the smell of smoke and the sounds of sadness filled the air. I looked at my studio from the parking lot to see one painting sitting on my deck. Its frame broken and footprints from the firefighters boots on the back but it survived and it was him!  My Great White Bison! The symbolism was not lost on me, in fact it pierced my soul upon seeing it. There he was just like that foggy morning so many years ago.

Here is the thing about bison. When a storm is coming most animals will run from the storm, afraid. But the storm eventually catches them. They continue to run and run from the storm but in running they actually remain in the storm for much longer. Bison on the other hand face the storm. They run towards the storm head on and in doing so come out the other side rather than getting lost inside of it. While others are caught up in the storm they pass through and come out on the other side where they can enjoy the green grass the rain and storm have left behind. I’ve been through some storms and I’ve been caught up in some storms in my life for far too long. But this storm, loosing my studio and all of my work…I am going to push through with all of my strength and come out on the other side. The other side of this heartbreak is new fresh terrain for me to feed on. It will feed my soul, it will nurture my spirit and it will be a source of strength for me and my fellow artists. Bison exemplify strength and courage. They are powerful and they endure. But they don’t stay lost in the storm. Today I break through that last terrible cloud and I embrace my strength and celebrate the green grass that is change, that is new and I will take what I’ve learned as I pushed through this storm and use it to feed my creative soul.

I made it through this storm. I will not stay in it because all I need is waiting for me on the other side of the storm. Peace and beauty and everything I need waits for me and I will take what I have gleaned as I passed through the storm and it will make me stronger. Storms will always come to us and usually when we least expect them. Be brave and have hope. Don’t get stuck in the storm. Look for the helpers, find your courage and keep moving forward. It is there. Your strength.